COPING  WITH  PET  LOSS

The death of a beloved pet can be heartbreaking.  Our animals are often our closest companions.  They offer us unconditional love and emotional security and they add structure to our hectic lives.  When a pet dies or is euthanized, it is frequently not only a tragic loss of a loved one, but also a disruption of our daily routine.  We feel the aching sadness of the loss, anger at the harsh reality, and guilt with ourselves and our choices.  Our remaining pets may be affected as well, seeming depressed or showing other atypical behaviors.  This page is dedicated to helping you and your loved ones (including your other pets) cope with the death of your friend. 

For Yourself...    
You have to take care of yourself and your own emotional needs before you can take care of anyone else.  At the same time, however, helping someone else deal with their grief can help you to overcome your own.  If you have other family members experiencing this loss with, be sure to lean on one another and don't be afraid to talk about how you are feeling...chances are that they feel the same way.  
     It is important to remember that grief is a very personal struggle and that there is no right or wrong way to feel.  Acknowledge what you are feeling and release your feelings in any way you can.  Below are some options that you may consider to help you relieve some of the emotional pain that you are feeling from your loss.

• Seek out a support group.  Friends who have not experienced the searing loss of a constant companion may not understand your pain and often cannot comfort you in the way that you need.  There are many pet loss support groups available to turn to.  Click on any of these links to find a group that is right for you: www.vet.cornell.edu/org/petloss/ , www.petsupport.net , www.petloss.com , www.pet-loss.net
• Express your feelings.  Don't be afraid to talk to family members or to a counselor.  Try writing down your feelings in a journal or in a poem.  Perform a ritual or ceremony for letting go or saying goodbye. 
• Let go of your guilt.  Remember that as your animal's caretaker, you made the best decisions that you could with the information and resources available to you at the time.      
• Remember the good times.  Although they may be initially painful to think about, remembering the special times and loving bond that you shared with your deceased companion can help to ease some of the pain of your loss. 
• Consider getting a new pet.  Although no one can take the place of the friend that you've lost, a new companion will give you something to focus on and can keep your home from feeling so empty.

For Your Children...
Death is one of the most difficult concepts to explain to children.  Unfortunately, a child's first experience with this sad fact of life involves the loss of a beloved family pet.  The best course for explaining the finality of death to a child depends upon the age of that child, as well as that child's cognitive and emotional development.  However, at any age, the most important thing for a parent to remember is that honesty is the best policy.    Below are some general guidelines that parents may follow in order to honestly explain this important concept to children. 

• It is important to explain death/dying in a gentle, positive way so that children will be better able to deal with it in the future. 
• Be sure to use direct words such as "dead," "death," and "dying" so that the child understands the concept as a permanent circumstance, rather than as "putting to sleep," which may be confusing to a child.
• If possible, discuss the death of a pet before the death occurs and include your children in the decision-making process.  When discussing the idea of euthanasia, be sure to explain that you are helping your pet because you do not want him or her to suffer unnecessarily. 
• Do not tell children that your pet ran away or was given to a new home.  This causes an entirely different type of grief in children and is not the appropriate solution. 
• Read books about pet loss and grief with your child.  This will open up communication and will make both you and your child feel more comfortable discussing the loss or possibility of loss of a pet.  One good option is "The Tenth Good Thing about Barney" by J. Viorst.  Your local library may also offer some suggestions. 
• Show your own feelings.  It is okay to allow your child to see that you are sad will allow them to learn that it is okay to openly express feelings of grief. 
• Tell your child's teachers about their loss so that they may understand any changes in behavior.
• Do not try to ease your child's hurt by rushing out to adopt another pet.  Children need to understand that each pet is an irreplaceable family member.  Wait to get another pet until your child expresses an interest. 

     Another difficult decision may be whether or not to allow children to be present for euthanasia.  This is a personal decision which only you, as a parent, can make.  Depending on the age of your child, you may want to offer him or her the option of being present.  You might also consider allowing the child into the room only after the euthanasia has been performed so that he or she can say a final goodbye.  Often, seeing the animal after it is dead allows for a sense of closure.  All children are different and, unfortunately, there is no one correct answer to this question. 

     The actual grieving process is different for different age groups and children often grieve in ways that are different from adults.  Below are some general ideas of what to expect from children of different ages.    

• Under age 2:  Children may respond to the emotional reactions of the other family members and/or to the stress felt in the environment, even though they do not understand the cause.
• Ages 2 to 5:  At this age, children view themselves and others as being invincible.  Cartoons often portray the idea that death is not permanent and can lead children to have an incorrect understanding of it.  Despite this, it is important that you explain death correctly, which will allow the child to better understand death in the future. 
• Ages 5 to 9:  This age group usually perceives death as permanent.  However, they also see the world as revolving around themselves and realize a correlation between what they think and what actually happens.  For example, a child might one day resent a pet and wish that it were dead.  At a point in the future when the pet actually does die, the child may feel guilt, thinking that he or she caused the death.  As a parent, it is important that you reassure your child that they did not cause the animal's death.
• Ages 10 and older:  Although children in this age range generally understand that everything eventually dies and that death is permanent, they may not always accept the fact.  They will often go through the same stages of grieving that adults experience: denial, bargaining, anger, guilt, depression, and acceptance.

     The internet is a great resource for finding information on helping children cope with pet loss and grief.  You may also wish to talk to your pediatrician and/or veterinarian for additional information.

For Your Pets...
Because our pets do not speak, we must interpret what they are feeling through changes in their behavior.  Often, when one pet dies, the pet(s) left behind will react not only to the loss, but to our emotions as well.  Pets often lose their appetite, become listless or disoriented, or become more clingy.  They will sometimes sit at a door or window waiting for the decease animal to return home. Many animals become depressed, showing symptoms similar to those of humans.  They might sleep more, lose interest in their favorite activities, or show signs of separation anxiety.  Frequently, picking up on our own feelings of sadness, our pets will become more affectionate with us.  
     If your pet is showing symptoms of grieving, be sure to provide him or her with more affection and attention.  Attempt to engage your pet in their favorite activity, encouraging play.  If dogs are barking or whining, distract them with another activity.  However, do not use food as a distraction in this case as it may "reward" the behavior.  Refrain from adopting another pet until your existing companion has had time to come to terms with their loss.  Adding another animal right away can add additional stress on top of the emotional distress that your pet is already feeling.  As always, contact your veterinarian if you are concerned with your pet's behavior or if their grieving seems to be prolonged.